The Binding of Isaac

The binding of Isaac - by C-Section Comics

God decided that he needs to test old Abraham,
so he said to him: “Yo Abe, looking good dawg, damn!
Take your son, your only son, the one you love the most,
sacrifice him on that mountain, burn him like a toast!”
Abraham without a flinch said “Ok boss, no sweat.
I will kill him just for you, sure I will, you bet!”
See Abraham was what you’d call a blindly loyal guy,
the most faithful dude that ever walked the planet (sigh).
But God did not mean Abraham to kill his boy for real,
he quickly sent an angel saying: “Look Abe, break the deal”.
But Oy Vey, the angel was a little bit too late.
Abraham already killed the boy. And that’s the fate
of people who are TOO faithful. Because my friend, you see,
God created you a brain, so please use it wisely.
Hearing voices in your head? It might well be the Lord,
or perhaps you’re nuts so don’t go kill kids with a sword.

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Here’s an older comic featuring Abraham
And here’s my entire archive of biblicalcomics.

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Here’s the biblical text describing the binding of Isaac (Genesis 22, King James Version):

1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

3 And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

4 Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.

5 And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.

6 And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

7 And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

8 And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.

9 And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

10 And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

11 And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

12 And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

14 And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovahjireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

15 And the angel of the Lord called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,

16 And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:

17 That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

18 And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.

19 So Abraham returned unto his young men, and they rose up and went together to Beersheba; and Abraham dwelt at Beersheba.

Expulsion from Eden

The Expulsion from the Garden of Eden

Does God look like an old man?
Artists sure do feel this way.
I’m not sure what God looks like,
but he sure ACTS old, I’ll say.

“Adam! Eve! What did you do?
Did you eat fruit from my tree?
That’s it kids, get out of here,
no more food and drinks for free!

You’re expelled from Eden, kids.
You’ll work hard to make a living.
See my middle finger here?
That’s how many fucks I’m giving!

So don’t cry and don’t complain,
it won’t do you any good.
You kids brought this on yourselves:
Taco Bell shall be your food!”

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How narcissistic am I? I used my own hand as a reference to God.

Here’s a previous comic featuring Eve and the Serpent.

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Here’s the biblical text (Fall of Man, Genesis 3):

And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.
And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Blessed Are the Left-Swiped

The Left-Swiped Shall Inherit the Earth

The Gospel of Tinder

And Jesus said:
Blessed are the left-swiped…

Someone opened Tinder, Eeeek!
And then took a little peek,
judged them just by their physique,
didn’t care for more to seek,
did not even with them speak,
maybe gave a little shriek
and then left-swiped (that was quick).
Treated them like they were reek.
So the left-swiped are unique,
they are screwed more than the meek…

…and thus,
they shall inherit the earth.

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Here’s another comic about Jesus (and his mother).

And here’s our entire archive of comics about the bible.

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David and Goliath

David and Goliath - C-Section Comics

David and Goliath, they did not see eye to eye
because Goliath was so tall (and David couldn’t fly)
In the Valley of Elah, standing face to face,
they prepared to fight each other : triumph or disgrace.

Goliath was a tall person (a giant, you might say),
and David took advantage of this fact on that hot day.
“Wow you’re big, so FREAKING tall!” David then exclaimed.
And the giant burst in rage as David’s taunts maintained:

“You can’t hug, be intimate, or lie straight on a bed!”
Then Goliath became sad from the words Dave said.
David broke the giant’s spirit easily, it seemed,
the Philistine was beaten quicker than he ever dreamed.

Being tall is hard my friend, it’s not easy pal.
Their hardships put a strain on life, and may cause low morale.
The moral of the story? Tall men don’t have easy lives.
(Even though they easily can satisfy their wives).

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Here’s my entire archive of bible comics.

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And here’s the biblical text telling the story of David and Goliath (1 Samuel, 17):

And Saul and the men of Israel were gathered together, and pitched by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines.
And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on a mountain on the other side: and there was a valley between them.
And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.
And he had an helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.

And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.

And David said to Saul, Let no man’s heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.

And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd’s bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
And the Philistine came on and drew near unto David; and the man that bare the shield went before him.
And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
And the Philistine said to David, Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.
Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.

And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.

And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.

Solomon the Unwise

Who's the right owner - Solomon the Unwise - by C-Section Comics

King Solomon, wisest of kings,
specialized in cutting things:
“Split this here!” and “Cut this there!”
Not a thing left whole to spare.

‘Till one day an old man told him:
“Majesty, my name is Joel,
and you should stop your cutting spree –
Hey, you’re a king dude, not a mohel!”

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Here’s another cartoon about the judgement of King Solomon the Wise, and here are all our comics about the bible.

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Not familiar with the judgement of Solomon story? Here’s the biblical text (Kings 3:23-28):

Then said the king, The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.
And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king.
And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.
Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it.
Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof.
And all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had judged; and they feared the king: for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him, to do judgment.

And that’s how king Solomon found who’s the rightful owner.
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