David fights Goliath

David fights Goliath - Cartoon

I’m Goliath, you are David, here to fight me, it’s so clear.
Put the rock inside the sling and swing it David, don’t you fear.
Just be sure that your projectile is a rock and not an egg.
In the latter case at least make it hard-boiled, Dave. Please, I beg!
Hard-boiled eggs are harder, but you see, at least they are not raw.
Raw eggs give you diahrrea, salmonella, I’m in awe.
Liquid shit and puke for days, it might kill me. And if not,
I will wish that I was dead, so let’s start Dave, take your best shot!

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Here’s a previous comic about David and Goliath.
And here’s all of my biblical comics.

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The biblical verses describing how David fights Goliath (1 Samuel, 17):

And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came, and drew nigh to meet David, that David hastened, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.

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Her First

Her First - by C-Section Comics

Cheer up Adam, you’re her first –
The first man Eve was ever with.
You’re her best and you’re her worst
(so says the creation myth).

Eve’s your wife, flesh of your flesh,
partner, friend, your children’s mom.
You should trust her, she is great,
so eat the fruit out of her palm.

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Here’s another comic featuring Adam and Eve.

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Here’s the biblical text of the creation of Eve (Genesis 2):

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

The Binding of Isaac

The binding of Isaac - by C-Section Comics

God decided that he needs to test old Abraham,
so he said to him: “Yo Abe, looking good dawg, damn!
Take your son, your only son, the one you love the most,
sacrifice him on that mountain, burn him like a toast!”
Abraham without a flinch said “Ok boss, no sweat.
I will kill him just for you, sure I will, you bet!”
See Abraham was what you’d call a blindly loyal guy,
the most faithful dude that ever walked the planet (sigh).
But God did not mean Abraham to kill his boy for real,
he quickly sent an angel saying: “Look Abe, break the deal”.
But Oy Vey, the angel was a little bit too late.
Abraham already killed the boy. And that’s the fate
of people who are TOO faithful. Because my friend, you see,
God created you a brain, so please use it wisely.
Hearing voices in your head? It might well be the Lord,
or perhaps you’re nuts so don’t go kill kids with a sword.

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Here’s an older comic featuring Abraham
And here’s my entire archive of biblicalcomics.

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Here’s the biblical text describing the binding of Isaac (Genesis 22, King James Version):

1 And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

3 And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

4 Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.

5 And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.

6 And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

7 And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

8 And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.

9 And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

10 And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

11 And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

12 And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

14 And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovahjireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

15 And the angel of the Lord called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,

16 And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:

17 That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

18 And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.

19 So Abraham returned unto his young men, and they rose up and went together to Beersheba; and Abraham dwelt at Beersheba.

Expulsion from Eden

The Expulsion from the Garden of Eden

Does God look like an old man?
Artists sure do feel this way.
I’m not sure what God looks like,
but he sure ACTS old, I’ll say.

“Adam! Eve! What did you do?
Did you eat fruit from my tree?
That’s it kids, get out of here,
no more food and drinks for free!

You’re expelled from Eden, kids.
You’ll work hard to make a living.
See my middle finger here?
That’s how many fucks I’m giving!

So don’t cry and don’t complain,
it won’t do you any good.
You kids brought this on yourselves:
Taco Bell shall be your food!”

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How narcissistic am I? I used my own hand as a reference to God.

Here’s a previous comic featuring Eve and the Serpent.

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Here’s the biblical text (Fall of Man, Genesis 3):

And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.
And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Blessed Are the Left-Swiped

The Left-Swiped Shall Inherit the Earth

The Gospel of Tinder

And Jesus said:
Blessed are the left-swiped…

Someone opened Tinder, Eeeek!
And then took a little peek,
judged them just by their physique,
didn’t care for more to seek,
did not even with them speak,
maybe gave a little shriek
and then left-swiped (that was quick).
Treated them like they were reek.
So the left-swiped are unique,
they are screwed more than the meek…

…and thus,
they shall inherit the earth.

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Here’s another comic about Jesus (and his mother).

And here’s our entire archive of comics about the bible.

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